Nothing.

Your past is one significant part of your present life.

Then I miss my past a little. I miss those feeling of loving someone so badly, so faithfully, so pure and so true. I miss the way I love him with no doubt, carelessly in love without caring of the possibilities of my heart into breaking. I miss to fell in love with my Giraffe.

But he's no longer mine. I wish i could say that, but he's never been mine.

So now I had my Goat. But sometimes there is a time when I think that I'm only his present girlfriend. Sometimes I feel so sad, sometimes I feel nothing. In relationship with him is like a roller coaster, up and down. I don't know what coming next. I don't know what's on his mind.

So I love two person at the same time right now. One is my longest past, and one is my present-real boyfriend. Giraffe never hold my hand, kiss me, hold me into his arms. But Goat? He had doing so much for me. He treat me good (not to remember those bad memories when he don't), he was nursing me when I'm ill, he kiss me goodnight, he reminds me that I still have a heart after a slow heartbreak with Giraffe. He makes me smile, he cheer me up, he makes me feel worthed to love, he makes me see some future with him, even if it's still blur.

I can't make myself choose one at this moment. I love Giraffe, but Goat's much better than him for he take me as I am and he's real. But I can't just love Goat, for Giraffe will always be a part of me. So confused. For now, I'm trying my best to be the best girlfriend for Goat. And at the same moment, i try my best, too, to my career, trying to get a place, a job in future in Singapore.. which is a dream I made when I was so damn in love with Giraffe cause he's living in there.

Gee.

Do I Love You?

Truly madly deeply in love. Am I? I'm not sure, and I guess I never will. He's my boyfriend and yes, I love him.
But what's the definition about love, by the way? I used to believe that it's not possible to love someone new once you gave all of your heart to someone. I used to believe that my only one is my first love. First love who's not even my friends. Maybe he's just my imagination love.

And my boyfriend (sometimes it's kinda weird to realize that I'm taken. It's weird and sweet to know that I'm his and he's mine). He's not only a lover but a friend, too. I don't really love him at the beginning but I realized, day by day I need him more and more. It seems like my love just grow and grow.. but what is love, in my definition nowadays?

Is it love, when I don't want he walking me home when he feel sick?
Is it love, when I won't be his burden in my own trouble?
Is it love, when it feels so right when I'm with him, even in the middle of madness?
Or is it just an illusion, when I think I might be die in my old heartbreak if I don't found and be loved by someone like him?
Is it just a lust, when I think it's alright if he kissed me a lot and knowing that one day, he'll left?

Love is When You Need Someone. Am I Wrong? Am I Right?

It's easy for me to feel down lately.

I'm not in long distance relationship literally, it's just a holiday which takes a week and half. But still it's driving me crazy. I'm not able to see his face, hear his voices, laughs with him and shares some funny, silly story or even a light jokes. It's tough, I've got to say, and whoever in long distance relationship, you guys, I would raise my hand and say, "You rocks!". Apart is something hard and it never been easy, I believe.

My mood was up and down cause even we're texting every single day we apart, I can't actually feel his mood. I can imagine his face when he teased me but I don't know the truth and that's irritating me. I want to feel his touch. I want to hear his laugh and see his smiling face.

Anyway, I think he's jealous today when I told him that a friend of his texting me. It's a technical mistakes, I believe, that his friend ask me to go out. It's totally impossible. However, it's always been nice to know that he's jealous. Means so much for me, just another way for me to know that he actually care for me :)

Ooh how I'm dying to see him soon. 4 days more.. or, more...

I'm So Paranoid

I tweet something like this today:

"once you came into my life, you'll do 2 things: take me high and drop me down. everybody always did. and if you don't, you will."

It sounds so sad.. Irony, cause two week ago, sharp in Saturday, we're officially have each other. Maybe meet my old friends it's not a good idea. Told them all stories like we used to shared probably not a good things to do anymore cause it feels like their words, their advice is haunted me literally.

Last night I got a dream. It's not a nightmare but it haunted me in day. I dream, I'm out of my place. I've been in some strange place with a friend of mine, but she sat too far from me. Then someone pick me up, and I knew he's my boyfriend. But I call him Vincent (not the real name), but in reality Vincent was my crush in early of my high school days. It's not his hand that hold me, but Vincent's. But when I look his face, it's him. That's the first weird things.

Then somehow I escape from a situation.. and I'm riding a motorcycle to his place. Crazy, cause I can't even ride a bike! So I open his door, found someone in the bed and I hold him immediately. Later, I realized it wasn't him. I was in the wrong room with stranger. It's not him but Mr. Bean. Trust me, I thought Mr. Bean was him. Yucks. He's much cooler than him!

As I heard his voice calling out my name, I ran to him and finally hold my BF. And I can't remember the rest of my dream.

It such a bad, weird dream. It's scary to hold someone you thought were your boyfriend but it's actually Mr. Bean, but that's not the point. I feel guilty.. and scared about what my friends said. It's a facts that he broke up with his ex-girl to be with me. I'm the reason. A day after he break up, he going out with me. I'm such a jerk at this point and still I feel guilty every time I think about it though my new friends said it's not my fault, it's his.

But what makes me feel guilty is another facts that I was in deep, deep love with someone else right before I met him. My first love, the one I love for a very long time, for years. Let's called my first love.. Ivory and my boyfriend.. Blue.

Since the first time I saw Ivory, I fell in love so it's a love at the first sight. And it lasts for years, since I was 9 till 2 months ago, I was 18. I used to love him with all my heart and soul. I changed the old me to him. I go on diet, make up, beauty treatment, fashion outside and knowledge inside with only one hope: he look at me and realized that I'm here, loving him and worth to have. But years passed and he never look at me. Maybe it's my fault cause I'm too shy to show off and too scared to tell him. I was afraid I would broke a strange relation between us and make it worse. But in the end of June (or early of July? Can't remember) I made up my mind and I'm in my limit. This has to stopped, I thought, and it was a perfect moment cause in days I'll move to the other city to college.

I sent him a message, let him know my weakness and secrets. Couple days later, in my new room, I get his reply. It's fine. He knew it, he said it's nice to know that someone loves him but he told me that he's a selfish guy and not interested in relationship. As I predict about him, I knew it and that's the end.

Couple days later, I'm the new first-year student and got some freshman-camp. I met Blue. I'm the one who say hello and take him into a small conversation after knowing he will be in the same class with me. Later he told me that it was the first time he look at me, he likes me. I'm in the same class with him and I have a feeling for him at first. But after I knew that he's taken, I'm little bit disappointed and that's all. I think to myself that I couldn't be his type. I've been waiting for a same guy for years and he never look at me, who will like a plain girl like me?

But I was wrong. Classmates told me that he likes me and like I was wrote in my post, we getting closer.

So I used to love Ivory that much, and now it feels different. Sometimes It doesn't felt real that I love someone who loves me back. Blue is totally different from Ivory and I don't wanna compare them anyway.

In the other hands, the more I'm in love, the more he told me those sweet words, the more I'm afraid that he would left me somehow. He said, "We will never break up." But how could I believe that when I knew that he left his ex-girlfriend for me that easily? How could I believe in him perfectly, in this subject, with that facts?

My Karma

I almost believe in him.

Pals told me not to believe him so easily but somehow I can't help myself. This holiday is a misery cause I can't see his face and his smiling face to me, nor I can't hear his voice, his laugh in my ears. We're only texting and it's weird cause I can't feel the emotion. I feel bad then.

Today I check my twitter account and I found that he mention me. He said, "still love you until my last breath".

For a moment I feels so happy cause he said something cheesy like that. But then I;m thinking to myself, is he really meant it? Is it jargon or something that he actually feel? And even if he actually mean it, will he still feel that way after days, weeks and months?

I got a complicated story with so fast time before I'm officially his and he officially mine. We met when he was in relationship with a girl.. And when he met me, he said he fell for me. I feel the same way too but when I found out that he's taken, I decided to give up cause I never thought someone like him will look at me, a plain girl like me. Then our mutual friend could see the situation between us, how we getting closer everyday, what I feel to him and what he feel for me, she knew his status and the truth that it's not easy for me to like someone after suffering for so long. She asked what's on his mind and he said he chose me, then he wants me to wait and give him some time to break up with his girlfriend.

Then he break up, soon he ask me to be his. I can never think of any other option but 'yes' cause I fell for him and I want him to be mine, too. I told my old pals about this, cause I never want to hide anything from my friends, then one of them said something.. real. A truth. Karma will back to me.

She said, "If he could left his girl so easily for you, he.."

I nodded as I continue her words with my own mouth, "He could leave me so easily, too. Sooner or later."

"Smart girl. You should be ready for your karma."

"I wish. But I hope I get my karma in other subject."

I should be ready for my karma, though I clearly realized that it's his decision to left the girl for me, not me. I was said I'll wait patiently. I never hurry him when relationship was a taboo subject for us.

But still, sooner or later. Either he left me, I left. I wish we'll lasts, but more than everything, I wish the best for us though it probably hurts. Rainbow will still waiting for me somewhere, with or without him.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

He said he likes me, so I'm not single anymore cause we're officially in love right now.

So yes, he prove it that he loves me. He told me so many sweets words, so many touches and kisses and hugs. He told me that he won't let me go, that he will protect me as he could, and something like that.

For a sec, I feel damn happy. But the very next minutes, I wonder if he's kidding. Could he love someone like ME? I'm the plain, bored, chubby girl with crooked teeth and so many minus point. Yes, he's not that perfect but it seems like perfection is a very important thing and reasons for me to have something precious.. like someone who likes me. Thank God I'm in love with someone who loves me back.

But if somebody loves you, Whitney Houston sings, will they always loves you?

Tonight you're mine completely and you give your love so sweetly, Amy Winehouse sings the cover of Carole King's song, but will you still love me tomorrow?

Can I believe in guy's mouth? Words he said after he kiss my lips? Words he sent to me by phone? Words he said when there's only two of us in a quiet room?

I wan't to believe it, trust me, I'm dying to give my heart completely. Maybe it sounds idiot and yes, I don't mind if you call me The Best of Fools, but I'm the type who could love so deeply once I fell in love with someone. When I'm truly madly deeply in love, I would pray for him day and night and devote myself, my thoughts, my love and life for it. yes, I'm the Queen of Fools.

I want to believe his words, cause I'm actually believe it. But I don't believe it with all my hearts, cause there's a part of me who keep telling me not to believe it so easily. In case he broke my heart, I would never be the same and the pain will kills me. I couldn't take the disappointed of broken heart anymore. I won't feel that anymore, I won't that feelings haunted me every day and night and makes me feels like my body is broken too when my heart in vain.

So.. When the right time to believe?

Closer

And it's getting too close.

I don't-fucking-care to ask to myself if this is love or not. Pals told me that he likes me.. and I'm not sure. I can't believe it easily. I mean, how could it be? Somebody likes me when I'm in bad shape, my skin is over tan and my teeth is a disaster?

But he was walking me home today. And yesterday, and when it was too night to walk alone by myself. And it touched me somehow. I like the way he smiled. It's like the opposite side of his cold face, and I was thought that he's scary when we first met.

It's easier to talk with him while we were alone, just two of us, than in the middle of our friends. He likes to joking. And somehow when he was jokes that he would do anything for me, I really wish that it's not a jokes but truth.

And every time he smiled,
he literally remind me that I still have a heart to beat.