I tweet something like this today:
"once you came into my life, you'll do 2 things: take me high and drop me down. everybody always did. and if you don't, you will."
It sounds so sad.. Irony, cause two week ago, sharp in Saturday, we're officially have each other. Maybe meet my old friends it's not a good idea. Told them all stories like we used to shared probably not a good things to do anymore cause it feels like their words, their advice is haunted me literally.
Last night I got a dream. It's not a nightmare but it haunted me in day. I dream, I'm out of my place. I've been in some strange place with a friend of mine, but she sat too far from me. Then someone pick me up, and I knew he's my boyfriend. But I call him Vincent (not the real name), but in reality Vincent was my crush in early of my high school days. It's not his hand that hold me, but Vincent's. But when I look his face, it's him. That's the first weird things.
Then somehow I escape from a situation.. and I'm riding a motorcycle to his place. Crazy, cause I can't even ride a bike! So I open his door, found someone in the bed and I hold him immediately. Later, I realized it wasn't him. I was in the wrong room with stranger. It's not him but Mr. Bean. Trust me, I thought Mr. Bean was him. Yucks. He's much cooler than him!
As I heard his voice calling out my name, I ran to him and finally hold my BF. And I can't remember the rest of my dream.
It such a bad, weird dream. It's scary to hold someone you thought were your boyfriend but it's actually Mr. Bean, but that's not the point. I feel guilty.. and scared about what my friends said. It's a facts that he broke up with his ex-girl to be with me. I'm the reason. A day after he break up, he going out with me. I'm such a jerk at this point and still I feel guilty every time I think about it though my new friends said it's not my fault, it's his.
But what makes me feel guilty is another facts that I was in deep, deep love with someone else right before I met him. My first love, the one I love for a very long time, for years. Let's called my first love.. Ivory and my boyfriend.. Blue.
Since the first time I saw Ivory, I fell in love so it's a love at the first sight. And it lasts for years, since I was 9 till 2 months ago, I was 18. I used to love him with all my heart and soul. I changed the old me to him. I go on diet, make up, beauty treatment, fashion outside and knowledge inside with only one hope: he look at me and realized that I'm here, loving him and worth to have. But years passed and he never look at me. Maybe it's my fault cause I'm too shy to show off and too scared to tell him. I was afraid I would broke a strange relation between us and make it worse. But in the end of June (or early of July? Can't remember) I made up my mind and I'm in my limit. This has to stopped, I thought, and it was a perfect moment cause in days I'll move to the other city to college.
I sent him a message, let him know my weakness and secrets. Couple days later, in my new room, I get his reply. It's fine. He knew it, he said it's nice to know that someone loves him but he told me that he's a selfish guy and not interested in relationship. As I predict about him, I knew it and that's the end.
Couple days later, I'm the new first-year student and got some freshman-camp. I met Blue. I'm the one who say hello and take him into a small conversation after knowing he will be in the same class with me. Later he told me that it was the first time he look at me, he likes me. I'm in the same class with him and I have a feeling for him at first. But after I knew that he's taken, I'm little bit disappointed and that's all. I think to myself that I couldn't be his type. I've been waiting for a same guy for years and he never look at me, who will like a plain girl like me?
But I was wrong. Classmates told me that he likes me and like I was wrote in my post, we getting closer.
So I used to love Ivory that much, and now it feels different. Sometimes It doesn't felt real that I love someone who loves me back. Blue is totally different from Ivory and I don't wanna compare them anyway.
In the other hands, the more I'm in love, the more he told me those sweet words, the more I'm afraid that he would left me somehow. He said, "We will never break up." But how could I believe that when I knew that he left his ex-girlfriend for me that easily? How could I believe in him perfectly, in this subject, with that facts?
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