Do I Love You?

Truly madly deeply in love. Am I? I'm not sure, and I guess I never will. He's my boyfriend and yes, I love him.
But what's the definition about love, by the way? I used to believe that it's not possible to love someone new once you gave all of your heart to someone. I used to believe that my only one is my first love. First love who's not even my friends. Maybe he's just my imagination love.

And my boyfriend (sometimes it's kinda weird to realize that I'm taken. It's weird and sweet to know that I'm his and he's mine). He's not only a lover but a friend, too. I don't really love him at the beginning but I realized, day by day I need him more and more. It seems like my love just grow and grow.. but what is love, in my definition nowadays?

Is it love, when I don't want he walking me home when he feel sick?
Is it love, when I won't be his burden in my own trouble?
Is it love, when it feels so right when I'm with him, even in the middle of madness?
Or is it just an illusion, when I think I might be die in my old heartbreak if I don't found and be loved by someone like him?
Is it just a lust, when I think it's alright if he kissed me a lot and knowing that one day, he'll left?

Love is When You Need Someone. Am I Wrong? Am I Right?

It's easy for me to feel down lately.

I'm not in long distance relationship literally, it's just a holiday which takes a week and half. But still it's driving me crazy. I'm not able to see his face, hear his voices, laughs with him and shares some funny, silly story or even a light jokes. It's tough, I've got to say, and whoever in long distance relationship, you guys, I would raise my hand and say, "You rocks!". Apart is something hard and it never been easy, I believe.

My mood was up and down cause even we're texting every single day we apart, I can't actually feel his mood. I can imagine his face when he teased me but I don't know the truth and that's irritating me. I want to feel his touch. I want to hear his laugh and see his smiling face.

Anyway, I think he's jealous today when I told him that a friend of his texting me. It's a technical mistakes, I believe, that his friend ask me to go out. It's totally impossible. However, it's always been nice to know that he's jealous. Means so much for me, just another way for me to know that he actually care for me :)

Ooh how I'm dying to see him soon. 4 days more.. or, more...

I'm So Paranoid

I tweet something like this today:

"once you came into my life, you'll do 2 things: take me high and drop me down. everybody always did. and if you don't, you will."

It sounds so sad.. Irony, cause two week ago, sharp in Saturday, we're officially have each other. Maybe meet my old friends it's not a good idea. Told them all stories like we used to shared probably not a good things to do anymore cause it feels like their words, their advice is haunted me literally.

Last night I got a dream. It's not a nightmare but it haunted me in day. I dream, I'm out of my place. I've been in some strange place with a friend of mine, but she sat too far from me. Then someone pick me up, and I knew he's my boyfriend. But I call him Vincent (not the real name), but in reality Vincent was my crush in early of my high school days. It's not his hand that hold me, but Vincent's. But when I look his face, it's him. That's the first weird things.

Then somehow I escape from a situation.. and I'm riding a motorcycle to his place. Crazy, cause I can't even ride a bike! So I open his door, found someone in the bed and I hold him immediately. Later, I realized it wasn't him. I was in the wrong room with stranger. It's not him but Mr. Bean. Trust me, I thought Mr. Bean was him. Yucks. He's much cooler than him!

As I heard his voice calling out my name, I ran to him and finally hold my BF. And I can't remember the rest of my dream.

It such a bad, weird dream. It's scary to hold someone you thought were your boyfriend but it's actually Mr. Bean, but that's not the point. I feel guilty.. and scared about what my friends said. It's a facts that he broke up with his ex-girl to be with me. I'm the reason. A day after he break up, he going out with me. I'm such a jerk at this point and still I feel guilty every time I think about it though my new friends said it's not my fault, it's his.

But what makes me feel guilty is another facts that I was in deep, deep love with someone else right before I met him. My first love, the one I love for a very long time, for years. Let's called my first love.. Ivory and my boyfriend.. Blue.

Since the first time I saw Ivory, I fell in love so it's a love at the first sight. And it lasts for years, since I was 9 till 2 months ago, I was 18. I used to love him with all my heart and soul. I changed the old me to him. I go on diet, make up, beauty treatment, fashion outside and knowledge inside with only one hope: he look at me and realized that I'm here, loving him and worth to have. But years passed and he never look at me. Maybe it's my fault cause I'm too shy to show off and too scared to tell him. I was afraid I would broke a strange relation between us and make it worse. But in the end of June (or early of July? Can't remember) I made up my mind and I'm in my limit. This has to stopped, I thought, and it was a perfect moment cause in days I'll move to the other city to college.

I sent him a message, let him know my weakness and secrets. Couple days later, in my new room, I get his reply. It's fine. He knew it, he said it's nice to know that someone loves him but he told me that he's a selfish guy and not interested in relationship. As I predict about him, I knew it and that's the end.

Couple days later, I'm the new first-year student and got some freshman-camp. I met Blue. I'm the one who say hello and take him into a small conversation after knowing he will be in the same class with me. Later he told me that it was the first time he look at me, he likes me. I'm in the same class with him and I have a feeling for him at first. But after I knew that he's taken, I'm little bit disappointed and that's all. I think to myself that I couldn't be his type. I've been waiting for a same guy for years and he never look at me, who will like a plain girl like me?

But I was wrong. Classmates told me that he likes me and like I was wrote in my post, we getting closer.

So I used to love Ivory that much, and now it feels different. Sometimes It doesn't felt real that I love someone who loves me back. Blue is totally different from Ivory and I don't wanna compare them anyway.

In the other hands, the more I'm in love, the more he told me those sweet words, the more I'm afraid that he would left me somehow. He said, "We will never break up." But how could I believe that when I knew that he left his ex-girlfriend for me that easily? How could I believe in him perfectly, in this subject, with that facts?

My Karma

I almost believe in him.

Pals told me not to believe him so easily but somehow I can't help myself. This holiday is a misery cause I can't see his face and his smiling face to me, nor I can't hear his voice, his laugh in my ears. We're only texting and it's weird cause I can't feel the emotion. I feel bad then.

Today I check my twitter account and I found that he mention me. He said, "still love you until my last breath".

For a moment I feels so happy cause he said something cheesy like that. But then I;m thinking to myself, is he really meant it? Is it jargon or something that he actually feel? And even if he actually mean it, will he still feel that way after days, weeks and months?

I got a complicated story with so fast time before I'm officially his and he officially mine. We met when he was in relationship with a girl.. And when he met me, he said he fell for me. I feel the same way too but when I found out that he's taken, I decided to give up cause I never thought someone like him will look at me, a plain girl like me. Then our mutual friend could see the situation between us, how we getting closer everyday, what I feel to him and what he feel for me, she knew his status and the truth that it's not easy for me to like someone after suffering for so long. She asked what's on his mind and he said he chose me, then he wants me to wait and give him some time to break up with his girlfriend.

Then he break up, soon he ask me to be his. I can never think of any other option but 'yes' cause I fell for him and I want him to be mine, too. I told my old pals about this, cause I never want to hide anything from my friends, then one of them said something.. real. A truth. Karma will back to me.

She said, "If he could left his girl so easily for you, he.."

I nodded as I continue her words with my own mouth, "He could leave me so easily, too. Sooner or later."

"Smart girl. You should be ready for your karma."

"I wish. But I hope I get my karma in other subject."

I should be ready for my karma, though I clearly realized that it's his decision to left the girl for me, not me. I was said I'll wait patiently. I never hurry him when relationship was a taboo subject for us.

But still, sooner or later. Either he left me, I left. I wish we'll lasts, but more than everything, I wish the best for us though it probably hurts. Rainbow will still waiting for me somewhere, with or without him.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

He said he likes me, so I'm not single anymore cause we're officially in love right now.

So yes, he prove it that he loves me. He told me so many sweets words, so many touches and kisses and hugs. He told me that he won't let me go, that he will protect me as he could, and something like that.

For a sec, I feel damn happy. But the very next minutes, I wonder if he's kidding. Could he love someone like ME? I'm the plain, bored, chubby girl with crooked teeth and so many minus point. Yes, he's not that perfect but it seems like perfection is a very important thing and reasons for me to have something precious.. like someone who likes me. Thank God I'm in love with someone who loves me back.

But if somebody loves you, Whitney Houston sings, will they always loves you?

Tonight you're mine completely and you give your love so sweetly, Amy Winehouse sings the cover of Carole King's song, but will you still love me tomorrow?

Can I believe in guy's mouth? Words he said after he kiss my lips? Words he sent to me by phone? Words he said when there's only two of us in a quiet room?

I wan't to believe it, trust me, I'm dying to give my heart completely. Maybe it sounds idiot and yes, I don't mind if you call me The Best of Fools, but I'm the type who could love so deeply once I fell in love with someone. When I'm truly madly deeply in love, I would pray for him day and night and devote myself, my thoughts, my love and life for it. yes, I'm the Queen of Fools.

I want to believe his words, cause I'm actually believe it. But I don't believe it with all my hearts, cause there's a part of me who keep telling me not to believe it so easily. In case he broke my heart, I would never be the same and the pain will kills me. I couldn't take the disappointed of broken heart anymore. I won't feel that anymore, I won't that feelings haunted me every day and night and makes me feels like my body is broken too when my heart in vain.

So.. When the right time to believe?

Closer

And it's getting too close.

I don't-fucking-care to ask to myself if this is love or not. Pals told me that he likes me.. and I'm not sure. I can't believe it easily. I mean, how could it be? Somebody likes me when I'm in bad shape, my skin is over tan and my teeth is a disaster?

But he was walking me home today. And yesterday, and when it was too night to walk alone by myself. And it touched me somehow. I like the way he smiled. It's like the opposite side of his cold face, and I was thought that he's scary when we first met.

It's easier to talk with him while we were alone, just two of us, than in the middle of our friends. He likes to joking. And somehow when he was jokes that he would do anything for me, I really wish that it's not a jokes but truth.

And every time he smiled,
he literally remind me that I still have a heart to beat.

I'm Trying To Talk About Love

I can't remember when the last time I fell in love. Yes, I've been in love before, and the love was ends couple weeks ago. But still, falling in love is a damn-good feeling you won't and you can't compare with other feeling in your existence.

I'm in love, am I? I'm not sure.. but maybe I am. It's not that simple for me to meet someone and pay more attention for him. I'm not that kinda girl who could fall in love so easily. I like a lots of guys.. but none of them I love. In my life, I was love a guy once for a long enough time. I like him like, 4 years and love him (or should I say that I used to dedicated my whole life to him?) for 5 years. It's not easy for me to fall out of love, too. Cause once I love someone, I'll love him for a great long time. I 'm always serious in relationship, so when it failed, I'm not surprised cause true love are hard to find.

Loving someone is big, but I guess being loved is huge. It's bigger than that, for me personally. But when you love someone and somehow, he loves you too, that's the magic of love. That's amazing. That's very huge and beyond the ability to express the right words about love, it's huge.

But being loved, this thoughts makes me wonder.. if somebody loves you, will they always love you? I'm afraid to even think about that.

I Don't Wanna Make A Wish

I don't wanna make a wish. Cause stars couldn't hear me for they're so faraway from here.

I don't wanna make a wish. Four-leaves clover are hard to find.

I don't wanna make a wish. To the moon or the sun or anything, they can't tell how do I look from up above.

And I don't wanna make a wish. Cause when I wish, I hope.

And I don't wanna have any shattered dream cause my wish didn't go well. And I have no genie to ask what I want.

So I don't wanna make a wish. Cause when I broke, it damn hurt and I don't wanna feel that pain anymore.

Let Me..

Let me freeze, let me die

Let me quiver, let me die

Let me hurts, let me cry, let me die

Let me die, but please, don't let me go

Do You Really Own Your Heart?

I believe everybody got a heart. Heart to beating, and heart to feel. Sometimes in life we had a moment when we was under control of our feelings, our emotions and the atmosphere around us. Sadness, happiness or maybe something between them. Someone who truly madly in love would feel like nothing much better than person their love, and someone in mourning would feel gloomy, maybe all the time for a moment.

But have you ever been so numb? No situation could move you from that. In happy time, you just acted the same like you were in sadness. Have you feel that before? Cause this what I feel right now. No overwhelmed pain cause trouble is all control. But that doesn't mean that I'm happy.

Anyway, what the hell is happiness mean? Is it same as joy? Gladness? Or what?
And what sadness is? When someone broke your heart? When someone left you? When someone do you wrong and take you for granted?

Take time for thinking about this. I had a heart. Yes I do. But I asked myself, do I really owned it? Cause sometimes, this time, it feels like my heart and my bodies is apart and they wanderer into a far and distance place.

Introduction

Hello.

It's not my first blog. I'm the owner of House of Bugya and this blog was supposed to be my very first blog. However, I change my mind and left this blog all alone. Kind of selfish, probably, even blog will never be a human being. So today I accidentally type the wrong e-mail and this old pal was opened.. Then I just made up my mind and decide to write my thoughts, the most private one, in here. It's about quotation, poems and just like House of Bugya, maybe something more. I'm crazy about writing so you probably will see my imagination between words and paragraphs. I'll be glad if you read an have me some comment. But please, do not copy it without my permission cause it'll breaking my heart. So enjoy my mind and hope you like it.

Cheers, Lonely Molly